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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."