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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
I miss the life I planned in my head.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!