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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.