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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.