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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Does this status update make me look fat?
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.