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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
Someday, somewhere, somehow Iām going to do something.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
After I die, there are some people Iām going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day