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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol