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Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Last person to like this wins a prize.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"