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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.