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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.