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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.