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Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.