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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
there is no strong beer, only weak men
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?