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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m