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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?