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In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...