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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Insert coin to view my status message.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.