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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.