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If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.