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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.