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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Just once Iād like to learn something the easy way.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.