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I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
Iād drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.