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People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.