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The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.