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I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So Iām off to find a bar with a mirror.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...