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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....