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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM