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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.