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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.