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Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.