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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
Hello...
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!