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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!