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When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Where is the button to restart summer?
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.