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WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.