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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.