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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.