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"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.