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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it