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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!