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I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.