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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!