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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss