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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
Legally,It´s questionable. Morally,It´s disgusting. Personally,I like it.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.