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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.