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In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"