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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.