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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.