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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.