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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.