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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I`m Confused.