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I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married