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It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!