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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.