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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
I`m pretty sure apple kid below needs help..
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.