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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."