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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
I make a great second impression.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....