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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)