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Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.