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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.