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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!