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is 100% sure that you are looking at my status. (:
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....