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As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.