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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.