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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Stop complaining about being single!!, we have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds don`t serve breakfast after 10:30 -.-
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.