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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.