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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Save water- shower with me!
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.