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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?