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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
i never said i knew what i was doing, i said i was going to do it anyway :)
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.
Save water, shower together.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.