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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one