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Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.