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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.