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Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!
Most problems can be solved with nudity
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.