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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.