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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.