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Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
You might be a REDNECK if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!! :)) lol
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.