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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.