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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.