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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.