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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species