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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.