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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.