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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.