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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on