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If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
It´s Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.