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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.