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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.