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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?