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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.