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Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.