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If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
I hate when the remote is way over there
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.