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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…