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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?