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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.