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Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!