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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes