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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.