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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.