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Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m