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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(: