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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.