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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I hide my vodka in orange juice
I always advise people never to give advice.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."