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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.