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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.