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People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
Please do not read this.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"