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I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks Iām not reading it.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.