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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.