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there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
High fiving was the original "like".
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.