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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
AWESOME!
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.