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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.