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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Match dot com, but for socks.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
I have a black belt in leather
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.