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I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.