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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject