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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.