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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden