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A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."